the james dean daydream is dead

if everyone who cried “harry styles is BALD” for the past two years could please step forward, that would be great. huh, that’s interesting, doesn’t seem like anyone wants to own up to it. hmmm…seems like now that we can actually see his hairline, y’all don’t have any proof. HUH! VERY CURIOUS!!

when rumors began circulating that harry got a buzzcut a few weeks ago, my immediate thought was that this gentleman had made another video and people were rightfully confused. but eventually we got a fuzzy video of harry at a U2 concert with alleged girlfriend taylor russell. side note, this is taylor swift’s second ex who has gone on to date ANOTHER taylor after dating her. the first was taylor lautner, and now his wife’s name is also taylor lautner. real baller move, sharkboy.

ANYWAY. harry’s fragrance/nail polish/other Nice Things brand Pleasing confirmed the cut with a pic on their instagram, and left the comments on for god knows what reason.

overall, the reaction was not great. the vitriol got so out of control that harry’s mom, Anne Twist, aka Mama Twist, took to her own instagram to defend him.

When you consider that H has a legacy of kindness and inclusion, has always made every effort to make everyone feel seen and appreciated for exactly who they are … there’s an irony in the negativity he’s been shown for having a haircut. Sorry but I don’t get it 🤷🏻‍♀️#TPWK

i don’t get it either, anne!! have you people no decorum??? The Nicest Woman on Earth had to interrupt her usual posts about her cats (one of whom just DIED!!) to publicly spank y’all for making fun of her adult son’s hair. my god. fortunately, some people found healthier, less angry ways to cope with their hair loss. in memoriam tiktoks made their rounds, some of which honestly? gave me chills. in case anyone was wondering how I’M doing with all this.

please share your thoughts on The Shave:

bachelor nation has a new king

if you haven’t been watching the golden bachelor, then i’m afraid we have nothing in common :/ heed my warning: if you’re not caught up on this season, there are some spoilers ahead. this season of the bachelor is, to borrow the franchise adage, ACTUALLY “Unlike Anything We’ve Ever Seen Before”. for the first time ever, the bachelor is a senior citizen (72) and for the first time ever, 30 women uprooted their lives to compete for an engagement to a man named gerry (pronounced like “gary”, to make things worse). the stakes are high and the botox is unforgettable. for these women, another chance at love is worth a great sacrifice. one woman missed her daughter’s wedding to be one of gerry’s gals, another had just become a grandmother to a prematurely born baby. they saw this picture and thought “yeah, i’ll miss a few major life events for this guy, no question.”

gerry is a widower, something he shares in common with many of the sexagenarian and septuagenarian contestants on the show. what else do we know about gerry? not much, other than the only woman he’s ever been with is his dead wife (while she was alive obvi) and that he’s looking for someone Sweet and Adventurous (literally get a dog). the producers took this information and brought in a fascinating cast of women, including jimmy kimmel’s aunt ‘chippy’ who fell asleep on the couch night 1. i think she should be nominated for an emmy!!!!

the spinoff follows a similar timeline and formula to the bachelor/bachelorette, and surprisingly includes a “fantasy suite” week (aka bone city), which they tactfully refer to as “overnight dates”. one major difference between the women on this season and their franchise peers is that for the most part they all got along really well, and were genuinely sad when someone was eliminated. there were tense moments here and there (susan’s meatballs/edith’s guacamole causing a fart blitz in the mansion), but instead of an overproduced conflict between a “not here for the right reasons” villain who stays longer than expected (for the ratings) and someone who hates that person, the main beef of the season was between i-hate-people-who-are-chatty kathy and now finalist theresa. kathy’s problem with theresa? “she’s dumb as rocks.” after theresa overshares about her date with gerry, kathy tells her to “ZIP IT!” she says “zip it” to theresa so many times throughout the episode that it’s truly shocking when theresa gets the iconic line wrong as she’s lamenting to gerry about the situation, saying that kathy told her to “snip it.” close enough. theresa made it through zip-gate, and we’ll find out thursday night if she gets the ring from gare bear. WHO’S ZIPPIN NOW, KATHY????

peace ‘n blessins

i hope everyone had a nice time with their fam and/or friends over the holiday!! more of these to come. love you all endlessly and effortlessly with my whole heart ok byeeeee <3

xoxoxoxo tess (and charli)

i’m kind of feeling like simba when he returned to pride rock right now. i know i’ve been gone for a while, but i had to go on a hero’s journey (be very depressed for four months) and befriend a creature who is loyal but prone to flatulence that can make your vision blur (my cat charli) in order to finally let go of my fears and return back to my roots. so today, i humbly stand before you for the first time in 2023 to bring you…….the news.

it’s not that i didn’t try!! there were several tv shows and moments in culture that inspired me to get back on here and share my thoughts. i have proof:

i know, i know; how could i have kept these half baked thoughts about a show that everyone watched three years ago to myself? but nothing felt good enough to write about. nothing felt light enough to distract from the everyday horrors of the world while simultaneously substantial enough to be interesting and worth the read. i watched every netflix reality tv show, including the multiverse fuckfest “perfect match”, which featured several jumpscares including:

1. BARTISE >:[

2. a wildly premature “i love you” from dom to francesca

3. a love triangle between chloe, coke-eyes shayne, and “ferking” mitchell

somehow this did not inspire me to write the next great american newsletter. eventually, too many outrageous shows and celebrity faux pas’ had come and gone through the spotlight of culture that it seemed impossible to decide where to pick back up.

and then, on monday, may 29 around 10:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, the novel coronavirus began to make her rounds through my body. i was confined to my tower, doomed to eat soup and watch hours of tv by myself for the next week. and so i thought (get ready for the perfect segue to the next section) “why not?”

how’s hilary duff doing?

i’m sure you’re all wondering, so here are some updates on america’s sweetheart:

1. hilary’s husband, matthew koma (hot, in a band), turned 36 this week! she wished him a happy birthday on instagram.

2. hilary went to a workout class and wore a black tank top with matching leggings. according to the daily mail, she appeared to be makeup free.

3. hilary recently admitted to sometimes following gwyneth paltrow’s breakfast diet (coffee) even though she wakes up very hungry! hmm!!

karma ft. azealia banks

years from now, when my brain has rotted down to its stem and i am no longer able to take a shit by myself, my night nurse will hear a haunting whisper from down the hall. she’ll open the door to my room to find what she usually does; a woman in her early 40’s sleeping with a fleece blanket adorned with jungkook’s face and a large poster of a naked harry styles mounted above the bed. once she confirms that the woman is just snoring, the nurse lets out a sigh of relief and begins to shut the door, until she realizes: the woman’s eyes are wide open. the nurse hears what she thought she had imagined before, a soft but stern voice that asks a chilling question: when did ice spice and taylor swift film the karma video?

last month, rumors that matty healy (the 1975) and taylor swift were dating began after matty attended a few shows on the eras tour and the two were photographed together in what seemed to be non-platonic situations. here’s a summary of what went down:

05/05/23

NASHVILLE (CNN) — 1975 FRONT MAN SPOTTED AT ERAS TOUR “Oi I flew seven-een fookin ‘ours to be ‘eyah”

05/06/23

BuzzFeed News: Matty Healy Opens Eras Tour Onstage with Phoebe Bridgers ‘no raw meat was eaten’ sources say

05/11/23

NEW YORK CITY (AP) — Taylor Swift and the Raw Beef Man Spotted Touching Beefs

06/05/23

TMZ EXCLUSIVE (this one’s real): Taylor Swift and Matty Healy Break Up

all in all the alleged fling lasted barely a month. tayla just got out of a 6 year relationship with joe “who?” alwyn, so if anything this was clearly a getaway car-esque rebound. sometime during all this, taylor announced a collaboration on her song ‘karma’ with it-girl rapper ice spice. this all seemed to be a PR cleanup for miss swift (and matty question mark??) since the collab came on the heels of matty’s offensive comments about ice spice on adam friedland’s podcast earlier this year. then, when asked to reflect on his remarks, he was like, and i quote, “it doesn’t actually matter.” this would be about the time for taylor’s publicist, tree paine (who could easily cover up a murder), to step in, but azealia banks beat her to it. the breakup announcement came shortly after this catastrophic read.

what i am left wondering, and will probably never know for sure, is the order of events here. because yes, the collab was announced during the taylor-and-matty-of-it-all, but surely it was set in motion months prior. and shooting a music video, even when it is a weird one, takes a lot of time (i think! idk i’m just some guy!!). i just want to know who was covering for who!! did taylor ask ice spice to be on the remix before matty came into the picture? or was it for his benefit?? could it have been before the podcast even came out? my guts saying, “babe……..no.” we know that tayla is cunning and opportunistic. but still! was it all a coincidence? was the timing suspicious or just right? was it all by design?

that’s all!

thanks for reading <3 love u all 2 the moon and to saturn!! happy pride month!!!

xoxoxo tess and charli

i really only have one thing to talk about in today’s newsletter, and it’s a little bit of a deep dive so apologies in advance. if i were a real writer, i would do some kind of end of year round up, like “22 things that happened in pop culture in 2022” to commemorate the end of another incredible year full of unpredictable and unhinged moments, but alas, i am not. i’m just a girl, sitting up in bed because her tummy hurts from putting too much spicy sauce on her food. yes, i know real writers get tummy aches too, but that’s not the point. on to the one thing now!

phoebe&paul&matty&bo

ok, i need everyone to FOCUS! all eyes on me!! seriously, shut up and listen for once. something is happening in the people-who-were-on-tumblr-in-2013-and-are-now-on-SSRIs multiverse. phoebe bridgers (bi-con) and paul mescal (the guy from normal people) have reportedly called off their engagement. let’s back up. how did these two sexy, depressed people meet? on twitter, like god intended. paul posted his 2019 spotify wrapped which featured phoebe as his top artist, and in may 2020 phoebe shared her thoughts on normal people…folks, that’s what we in the biz like to call a done deal!!! then they met for the first time on instagram live (i would rather never feel the touch of another ever again than do this) and despite the awkward energy (“this is my plant, henry,” paul says, presumably to fill a silence), it was clear they were into each other. they got engaged this year and although the internet had a running joke that paul’s normal people co-star, daisy edgar jones, was their third, it didn’t appear that phoebe and paul actually had an open relationship. and now it seems that they may not have a relationship……..at all!!!

ok. how is everyone doing? does anyone need a break? no? ok, let’s keep going. i’m about to introduce a new character whose role in this tale is somewhat misleading and diverts our attention from what (whom) we should have been paying attention to this whole time. this person has always been a bit controversial, perhaps even polarizing. he’s unfiltered, he’s unpredictable, he does not like menthols. you may know him as the front man of the 1975. he, of course, is matty healy. matty and phoebe have been friends for a long time, and after posting this gem, matty shared his confusing feelings for paul On Main. so clearly the three of them have a playful little thing going on, “oh haha matty has a crush on us both hehehehe,” but i don’t believe there was ever any speculation that matty was actually involved with either phoebe or paul. people were too busy screaming at matty for kissing fans onstage during the 1975 at their very best tour this fall. that is a whole other conversation that we do not have time for right now!!!

okay wrap it up! some of us have places to be!!!

ok ok ok. so who could have possibly turned phoebe’s head? remember, just moments ago, when i said that matty was distracting us from the real Mister Steal Your Girl? a couple weeks ago, matty posted a picture of him and phoebe smooching with bo burnham behind them sort of facilitating/taking in the moment with his eyes closed. phoebe and bo have been friends for a long time and have been spotted together several times over the past few years. phoebe also covered funny feeling from inside, bo’s 2021 depression vlog. does that mean they were shagging on the low? of course not. however, they recently attended kate berlant’s comedy show together, sparking rumors (the word “canoodling” was used by a source). and then, as fate would have it, phoebe and paul’s engagement was reportedly called off a few days ago. i mean…ba-da-bing-ba-da-boom. that’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes. i just hope that if this is true, matty puts his money where his mouth is and shoots his shot with paul for real.

2023 & me

that’s all for today, and for this year! i want to keep this up in 2023, so please indulge me by participating in the poll below. this will help motivate me to keep doing this because a. i’ll know people are reading and b. i’ll know what you want to read!!

thank you so much for reading! not to get emo on main but i really do appreciate the support, encouragement, and love!! :’) i hope everyone has a fun and safe new year’s and that 2023 has some cute lil moments in store for you. you’re all very sexy and cool, don’t forget that! ok bye!!!

xoxoxo tess

i gave my blood, sweat, and tears…for this???!!

first i’d just like to address the blonde, bejeweled elephant in the room: no, i did not get tickets to the taylor swift eras tour. that woman didn’t even give me a presale code. but that honestly did not worry me at the time (i have aged 10 years since then) because in addition to a verified fan presale (which i was LOCKED out of for not buying her ugly merch), the eras tour also had a capital one cardholder presale scheduled for the same day. i happen to have a capital one credit card (please don’t treat me differently) so i figured there would still be a chance to get decent seats. i also figured that surely the ONE company that has monopolized the online ticketing market would know how to handle this amount of demand. this is where i would put a supercut of the chaos that unfolded during the verified fan presale (that i luckily was not on the frontlines of thanks to my sister and cousin), but i don’t have one, so you’ll just have to trust that it was a damn circus. a zoo, even!

if you’re not familiar with how a ticketmaster queue works, there is a progress bar that calculates how many people are in front of you while you wait to be let in to buy tickets, the maximum being “2000+”. turns out 2000+ also referred to the amount of hours people would wait to get through the queue, only to be told that there were no tickets left. 2000+ is such a condescending and misleading number, you truly have to laugh! at one point, the queue paused for 2 hours because ticketmaster fucked up the presale codes. some people never received theirs. anarchy! to quote taylor herself, “i think there’s been a glitch!!!!!” it was so bad that the capital one presale was rescheduled for the next day. i rescheduled my therapy appointment so i could devote 3 hours of my day to waiting in the queue (to no avail), and t*cketm*ster cancelled the general sale because they “accidentally” sold all the tickets (all of them!) during the presales lmao. taylor took to her instagram story to ensure us that this pissed her off, the department of justice launched an antitrust investigation, and resale tickets are now going for thousands of dollars. amazing job, everyone!

“you agree with me, right??”

forgive me for bringing current affairs into this space, but something is happening with kamala harris. the veep has given us some goofy sound bytes over the years (who could forget “we did it joe”?) but nothing compares to what we’ve seen in the past couple weeks. she started talking about yellow school busses and we lost her. if this woman even SEES a bus it’s over. i wouldn’t be surprised if someone edited this clip of her singing “the wheels on the bus” with eerie music to use for a smear campaign about how the democrats are backing Big Bus. if i were a betting woman (which i no longer am since my ex wife made me give it up to “help with the kids.” whatever that means!!), i would say the one thing kamala loves more than a bus is a venn diagram. “the three circles…the analysis about where there is the intersection…” she made some compelling points. everyone had something to say about how unhinged this was, so here’s my take: i thought we weren’t going to make fun of WOMEN for having INTERESTS anymore!!!! oh, so just because she’s the vice president, she can’t do a little show-and-tell at a press conference? as a treat?? so she brought props to the gig! who among us! i just hope she’s happy and on a bus somewhere right now <3

almost paradiso

i’m watching the new season of white lotus. are you watching the new season of white lotus? if you haven’t started it but you’re planning on watching and you don’t want spoilers…i don’t know what to tell you. do you want to know how to make god laugh? tell him you’re four weeks behind on one of the biggest tv shows right now and you don’t want people to spoil it for you. like…i’m sorry i’m not sugarcoating this for you. anyway, if you’re still reading, let’s talk about it. the second season opens with dead bodies floating in the sea, and so the game of clue begins. the only returning characters from last season are tanya (played by jennifer coolidge) and her limp-dick loser of a husband (played by uncle rico). the rest of the characters are new to us, including two couples vacationing together (aubrey plaza heads, we won!), tanya’s assistant portia, a very toxic grandpa/dad/son trio, and two sex workers who, even if they turn out to be the murderers, can do no wrong in my book <3 so far, every character has given me reason to believe they will eventually commit a murder at the sicilian white lotus. will it be the overworked hotel manager, valentina, whose patience is tested every day by hotel guests and her staff? will it be tanya, whose husband has to fly home “for work” in the middle of their vacation and Does Not Like Her? or will it be albie, the “nice guy” who wants to bone portia so badly but is beat to it by a naughty boy from essex? i think any of the characters could be pushed to the brink. i just hope this season’s murder does not involve human poop :) along with the season 2 who-done-it discourse, people on twitter have already begun suggesting locations for season 3. i think it should be set in mar-a-lago because i’d like to see a certain white POTUS get his shit wrecked at a white LOTUS!! but for now, we wait and see who’s going to get a vacation (prison time for murder) from THIS vacation (a resort for some of the worst people in the world).

other things of note

1. remember in parks and rec when andy falls into the construction pit and breaks both his legs and then writes a song (read: a banger) about it? well, move over andy because there’s a new pit fanatic in town and she is unfortunately a harry styles fan (bad for my brand). tiktok creator/dog walker/girl who does weird stuff with her bird @taraswrld for some reason admitted to spending $10,000 for harry styles tickets because she was “finna be in the pit.” what other choice did she have!

2. the tiktok trend “it would be so awesome…it would be so cool :)” the original video is a from a scene teen titans go! to the movies where robin tries to convince a producer to make a movie about him. king shot his shot, you have to respect it.

3. those two girls singing “crazy” by gnarls barkley in the parking lot. the way that one girl goes “whoa!” when she hits the “mi-i-i-I-I-I-I-nd” riff is very funny to ME. people are having fun with this one.

4. harry and olivia are taking a break. first one direction, and now olivia? what will harry take a break from next?? don’t say it. i know what you’re thinking, and i refuse to hear it!!!

well that’s all! i hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving. love you!!

xoxo tess

i’m a worm…duh.

halloween: ghouls. goblins. girlfriends explaining cultural references to their boyfriends who dressed up as, of all things, “beer”. heidi klum hosted her annual halloween party and asked us THE question: would you still love me (a model) if i were a worm? every single picture and video i’ve seen of worm heidi has filled me with unimaginable joy. she is very gorgeous to me. lizzo paid homage to woo wop the emo kid. any woo wop heads in the chat? the members of muna (band; gay; opening for taylor swift on select nights of the eras tour) cosplayed as pink slip (lindsay lohan’s band in freaky friday) at their show last week and performed ‘take me away’, a song that has been stuck in my head for *checks google* ALMOST TWENTY YEARS?!? that can’t be right. i saw that movie in theaters and i’m only 17. this is why you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet!

you get what you pay for

as someone who is not verified (but should be) on twitter, i cannot say that i know what it feels like to have the validity of my online identity threatened by grimes’ ex boyfriend, but my heart goes out to anyone that does. after he “bought” twitter (this sounds very fake to me), rumors circulated that elon musk was going to charge verified users $20 a month to keep their blue check. according to elon, that’s not true…quick q: are we still supposed to believe something straight from the horse’s mouth if the horse is actually just two 12 year old shit-posters in a trench coat? idk. this man has been saying a whole bunch of nonsense ever since he “freed” the bird. the only positive thing i can see coming out of this major plot point in the downfall of society is that we might get vine back.

it’s me, hi, i’m the problem (bartise)

last week, i talked about my ‘love is blind’ nemesis That Man Cole. right now i’m having a tough time deciding who (whom?) i hate more: That Man Cole or Busted Bartise. this will include some light spoilers so if you’re not fully caught up on season 3 then go watch and come back. please come back.

okay so busted bartise. it’s pretty simple: bartise is busted because he sucks so bad. last week i went to the annual limp dick loser awards and bartise was nominated in every category. the last time bartise went to the doctor, he was diagnosed with chronic mustiness. the only reason that bartise chose nancy over raven in the pods is because he was butthurt that raven was doing pilates while he was trying to talk about “deep stuff”. he called the whole thing off over some jumping jacks. so he proposed to nancy, and after they met in person he wasted no time telling her that he was not attracted to her. nancy did not solicit this information btw. bartise just kept saying how hot raven is and how hot HE is so it would make so much more sense for them to be together. this man is a certified nincompoop with the most wretched “Where’s My Hug?” energy. and then he actually says that to nancy at their wedding! “no hug? no kiss??” he asks as she approaches him at the altar. i hope the vitamins nancy bought him gave him diarrhea. there have been countless moments watching this show where i wonder aloud, “have these men ever spoken to a woman?” bartise sharing his thoughts on abortion was one of those moments. he seems to think that unexpected pregnancies are the same as tennis serves: “you get one chance to fuck up, and then that’s it.” weirdo behavior!!!

and That Man Cole. the smuggery. the only thing eating more shit than cole’s dumb little grin are the flies crawling around his toilet. i didn’t think that he could get any worse but it appears that calling colleen hot and telling zanab (HIS FIANCE) that she’s not his type was just the beginning. days before their wedding, cole shoots zanab in the face with a nerf gun while she attempts to salvage the meal that he fucked up. i guess love is blind if you literally take your fiance’s eye out with a toy gun. THEN he asks her if she is bipolar in the heat of an argument. i hate him with all my heart! everything about him is so dark sided. he tells zanab, without an ounce of irony, that all he wants is for her to be “sweet” and “unassuming”. all i want is for him to be tried at the hague! at what point do the producers intervene? this man’s behavior is more violent than a juicehead fist fight on the jersey shore, so why has nobody grabbed cole by the ear and thrown him out onto the street and saved zanab from a lifetime (3 months tops) of agony and unseasoned chicken?? HELP!!!!

mole-ing things over

the only thing that really caught my eye on tiktok this week was the overnight sensation that was @mikaelarellano’s bejeweled dance. obviously my fyp has been flooded with midnights content, but something about this choreo really resonated with swifties and non-swifties alike. it may have had more of an impact than the actual bejeweled music video (and dita von teese was in that). people are going to lose their minds when she does this dance on tour. the style strut found dead in a ditch.

otherwise it’s been a long week of trying to get caught up on bachelor in paradise and rebandaging the craters my dermatologist left behind when she scooped 3 moles out of my body. she may have taken chunks of my skin, but i still have my sparkle!! anyway, i hope everyone has a lovely weekend. just checked the weather - i didn’t realize i had moved to los angeles! oh silly me, i was unaware that washington d.c. was actually located on the equator!! is this all because i don’t compost? did i buy too many new clothes last year? did i take too long of a shower that one time? i mean, what’s a girl gonna do?? a diamond’s gotta shine!!!!! ok bye.

xoxo tess

the passage of time is one of life’s great mysteries. where did it go? how did we get here, to this very moment, when we were just there, in a very different moment, years ago? i believe that many people who were there, in that moment 11 years ago watching sophia grace on ellen are wondering how they are now here, in this moment where she is announcing her pregnancy in a youtube video. i’m not even trying to be profound but these moments in culture that make you snap your head up from your day to day and go “wait what the fuck how has it been 11 years” are violent!!! like what if we woke up tomorrow and the “i smell like beef” girl was running for congress? what if one day charlie bit my finger gets arrested for aggravated assault?? what if the little brother from zoey 101 starts posting thirst traps on tiktok? oh wait that already happened. anyway, congrats, sophia grace!

We gon' laugh at them boys when they talk to us

But they can't get in, we get so annoyed

When they don't understand it means no, no, no, no

We don't want no boys 'round here

No, we don't want no boys 'round here

We don't want no boys 'round here

No boys, no no

a real f’ckin legacy

ok enough dilly dallying, it’s time to get into the meat! the potatoes! the saucey sauce that tastes saucey! it’s time for me to talk about midnights, for real. if taylor swift makes you see red (cut to me smiling so hard that the corners of my mouth rip open all the way to my ears), then you’re a synesthesia queen! congrats! i’m not here to convince anyone to listen to her or change their opinion on her music. but i listen to her (since when??), and i love her music (what!!) and i really love midnights, so i’m going to run my little mouth about it. ok?! <3

1. “meet me at midnight” oooooo taylaaaaa!!! sultry eyes and a suggestive smirk are heavily implied in the opening line of the album.

2. the drum lead-in that jack antonoff copied from loveless (lorde, 2017) and pasted into lavender haze? i live! i hope phil collins is aware of his impact.

3. the color MAROON was resuscitated and made a full recovery around 12:03 a.m. Eastern Standard Time on October 21, 2022. adam levine fled the scene and has been on the run ever since. i did my due diligence and reached out to the roommate in question about their cheap-ass screw-top rosé for comment, but have not heard back.

4. taylor leaning into the snake identity and making it her whole personality? tired. taylor revealing that she is a parseltongue with a prolonged “ssssssssss” during the bridge of anti-hero? wired!!!!

5. “but for him it's every day” midnight rain is about jake paul.

6. “i don't start shit but i can tell you how it ends” she’s been called calculated and shady for years and all this time she’s just been clairvoyant (amazing drag queen name btw)

7. “putting someone first only works if you’re in their top 5” she has myspace ptsd

8. the chokehold that the bejeweled “……..nice!” has on me is clinical

9. why is the little elephant from labyrinth not credited anywhere??

10. “i wanna brainwash you into loving me forever” unfortunately this line was very relatable to me. it made me feel like i was naked in front of 10,000 people lmao

11. the way she says “i regret you all the time” in would’ve, could’ve, should’ve? i hope john mayer is somewhere PRAYIN

12. for science:

love is bland

i’ve been quite the teletubby lately. i’ve watched so many full tv series in such short periods of time that it doesn’t actually feel like i watched any of it at all. i’m currently watching season 3 of love is blind and haven’t finished it yet but that man cole? off with his head!! your fiance asks you to rate her out of 10 (bizarre question but i will not blame the victim) and you say you’re a 9 babe, only kim kardashian is a 10! oh and two other women in the cast (one of whom i would love to bone). but you’re a 9, you should be flattered!! just because i said that you’re not my physical type and i would never approach someone who looks like you in a bar in real life does not mean that i’m not attracted to you! now do my laundry :)

next season there will be people from dc in the pods. god help us! here’s how i think a typical conversation will go:

woman (probably named amanda): hello? i’m amanda (she’s wearing a blazer and an apple watch)

man (four letter name): hey amanda! what’s good? i like your voice (horny)

amanda: wow thank you! so tell me about yourself. where are you from? (she is fully horizontal on the couch and wrapped in a blanket)

man: i’m from dc! i’ve lived there for about 4 years

amanda: cool, what part of the city are you in?

man: woodbridge, virginia

amanda: nice. so what is your relationship with god?

man: i work at deloitte (farts)

also: this clip deserves an honorary mention for the most unhinged moment from season 3.

other things of note:

1. harry as a sassy, bearded squid. many people in my community have said that this video gave them the ick. i thought that this fandom was resilient. i thought we were braver than this. but the second he has tentacles instead of legs you give up on him?? get a grip. some tentacles would help with that!!

2. tess’s top trend: day in the life of a true brexit geezer

3. remember when kacey musgraves went to tom’s one hour photo in la and business skyrocketed? i feel like this woman is going to do the same thing for 81st deli (wherever that is)

4. the rats that have owned and operated an all-night, all-you-can-eat-rat-buffet for 50 years are about to find out if they are any match for the political will of the NYC Commissioner of Garbage, Poo Poo, and Pee Pee.

5. new sza, rihanna, and worldwide handsome jin!!

that’s all! i hope everyone has a lovely halloweekend. my costume is going to be my chewbacca onesie (a classic) but this year i’m adding my white feather boa, some boots, and a cat eye sharp enough to kill a man (in this scenario, chewie is a swiftie). call me SLAY-bacca. i’m gonna have these other wookiees shookiee. serving c*nt will be MY first order. ok that’s enough. thank you all so much for reading!!!

bye!! xoxo tess

it was a beautiful day and what i considered to be the beginning of christian girl autumn. yes, it’s finally here. sweater dresses&pumpkin spice lattes&tall boots&cardigans (get me a shirt with that on it, STAT). the woman who popularized christian girl autumn after the internet tried (and failed) to meme-shame her in 2019 for being *deep breath* basic has fully made a career out of the aesthetic. in the weeks leading up to her annual pilgrimage to the vermont countryside, caitlin covington diligently monitored the foliage reports, timing her trip just as the leaf colors were peaking. seems like a pretty demanding job. i can’t wait for her daughter’s memoir, when your mother leaves, to come out in 20 years.

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i woke up to leaves cascading from the trees outside my window. i knew she only had a few days to capture what she needed. one of those days would be my 18th birthday. i had only asked for one thing: a day with her. she assured me that she would time her trip to vermont so she wouldn't miss it, but that morning i knew her promise was like an autumn leaf on a branch - brittle and inevitably broken.

i went downstairs and met her in the kitchen. "coffee?" she placed a mug in front of me without waiting for an answer. i took a sip of what i had feared but fully expected: pumpkin spice. it was time.

her bags were already by the door, blanket scarves spilling out of a duffel. she was dressed in one of her signature outfits, ready for her first post. "i'll be back monday!" the day after my birthday.

i watched her drive north, and cursed the equinox.

the dressing-gate scandal

when don’t worry darling finally came out, i thought: surely we’ve heard all there is the hear about these goofuses aka olivia wilde/harry styles/florence pugh/jason sudeikis/zach braff/chris pine’s lap (ft. harry’s spit). but this week, a hot new bombshell (salad dressing) entered the villa. ok first of all are we all on the same page here? olivia wilde, who directed and starred in DWD, split from jason sudeikis and began dating harry styles when they began filming the movie? ok, so that’s old news, and i thought that we as a society had moved on. i thought that I could finally move on. but this week, olivia and jason’s former nanny gave an exclusive tell all to the daily mail about the events leading up to their split (this is a good reminder for me to not drink three martinis and confide in my nanny again).

it turns out that olivia would make a special salad dressing for their family, and one day she made it for harry fookin’ styles and jason freaked. he ultimately put his whole body under her car so she couldn’t drive away. olivia and jason denied the nanny’s story (what happened to believing women!!!!) but olivia did answer the internet’s most burning question: what the fuck was in that dressing that made a grown man risk getting smooshed by a vehicle?? turns out it’s just a normal vinaigrette recipe from a nora ephron book. she posted the passage from heartburn to her instagram story on tuesday, and everyone was like oh…okay. we all thought you put like…p*ssy juice or something in there. nope, just grey poupon!!!

the seven husbands of tess bernhard

welp. the day finally came. monday morning i wake up and what’s the first thing i see on my telephone? bts is joining the military!!! was i surprised to learn this? no. they announced a hiatus in june, and i’ve known that they would eventually enlist since i became a fan, but there was a part of me that truly believed that they might get out of it. for anyone who i haven’t cornered at a party in the last two years to talk about this, here’s a quick rundown: south korean law mandates that all able bodied men serve an 18-21 month term in the military by the time they are 28. exemptions are sometimes given to people who are really sexy and bring a lot of attention and money to the country (like olympians), and bts member jin (who will turn 30 in december) was given a 2 year extension to enlist, but the group ultimately decided that they wanted to fulfill their duties. they announced this two days after putting on a free concert in busan, sk to support the city’s bid to host the 2030 world expo, and now the country may suffer economically from them enlisting. bts serving country instead of serving cunt could cause south korea to lose out on billions. billions!!!!

when will my husbands return from war, you ask? they plan to reunite as a group after they finish their terms in early 2025…i am sad! 2025 isn’t even a real year. i’ll be 30. what am i supposed to do in the meantime? develop a personality? go outside? i don’t want to do any of that!! i would like to stay right here, THANKS! i know they’ll be back (please don’t bring up one direction) but i’m going to miss them a lot. that’s really all i have to say on the matter :(

meet me at midnight

it is october 21, 2022. it’s my sister lilly’s bday (happy bday lillas!!!!) but it is also midnights and the loneliest time release day!!! this is a big day for jack antonoff multiverse girlies like myself. i haven’t had the chance to listen to either album enough to have full thoughts, but here are some initial midnights takeaways:

1. MAROON!!! MAROOOON!!!! i think this is my fav so far

2. a 12 a.m. album release and then an extended version released 3 hours later?? she loves us.

3. how many people heard her say “sexy babies” and still let her leave that in anti-hero?? i guess she’s right, she is the problem!!!

4. not sure how i feel about the anti-hero video (the scale part? come on tayla.) but john early girls we won!!!

5. she forgot to add lana’s verse to snow on the beach i guess?

6. KARMA IS MY BOYFRIEND!!!! KARMA IS A GOD!!!!!!!!

7. i won’t pretend like i’m not overjoyed to have pop tayla back. there’s a little bit of 1989, the best parts of reputation, some of the corniness of lover (i’ll let it slide), and definitely some evermore vibes. feels like a warm hug idk

what i’ve been seeing on my computer

1. this week in “tiny cretin of a man” news: james corden sucks. the story is certified by a Try Guys wife.

2. there’s been a lot of remixes of “under the sea” going around on tiktok. my favorite one by far is mixed with the “do you wear wigs” interview between dominic monaghan and elijah wood. that interview changed my brain chemistry!

3. bird flu??? uhhh yeah…i sure HOPE it did! earlier this week there was an outbreak of avian flu at a famous tiktoker’s bird farm, killing off 50 birds, and leaving behind only two, including emmanuel. it also turns out that taylor blake, emmanuel’s owner and tiktok co-star, is super problematic.

4. if you’ve ever been bit by a fire ant, it should come as no surprise to you that those little assholes are super fuckin ugly. this close up shot makes my stomach hurt like why does it have an underbite and chin hairs?!?

(outro)

thank you for reading!! this week i’ve been pretty head empty, not a thought to be found, so i’m kind of surprised that i pulled it together enough to write this whole thing. every newsletter i send out feels like an album release; the pressure to make something better each time, the demanding schedule of a press tour (i do these each week), the scathing reviews from critics who just don’t understand my craft, and of course, the sheer loneliness that comes with being at the top. how do i stay grounded as i continue to ascend? i’ll ask my publicist and get back to you!

ok bye!!! xoxo tess

we made it to the end of another gregorian week!! (CREAM: catholicism rules everything around me) anyone have any fun plans for the weekend? perhaps a night on the town for negroni sbagliatos with the gals? here’s the thing: i never watched game of thrones and i don’t think i ever will (if i wanted to hear someone throw a fit over an ugly vintage chair, i’d call my ex wife!!!), so i really have no idea what house of dragon is (at first i thought it was about Ballroom) and i had never heard of emma d'arcy or olivia cooke before i saw a hauntingly sensual tiktok of them talking about their favorite cocktails. but TESS!!! you started this newsletter because of your vast knowledge of the internet and pop culture!!!! we thought you would be able to explain everything to us!!! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU, HOW DARE YOU!! (you know what? if you don’t know that reference, you can look it up YOURSELF)1 have mine subscribers already forgotten that i am just human? there’s no need to turn to vitriol. remember that there is someone behind the screen with real feelings and beautiful hair :(

@hbomaxI'll take one of each. #houseofthedragon

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revisiting 2008 (ominous)

last friday night my long time friend and professional soccer team mate gia and i decided to do what most people are not brave enough to do or even discuss in their newsletters in 2022 - we watched the very first episode of the secret life of the american teenager (i’ll give you a second to stare out the window, wistfully mourning the past as you are engulfed by a visceral wave of nostalgia). according to the show’s wikipedia page (investigative journalism slay), “the series received mixed to somewhat negative reviews from critics when it began broadcasting.” this is a shocking contrast to the success of the pilot episode, which had 2.82 million views (an abc family record previously held by kyle xy [bellybutton]) and the season one finale which had more views than that night’s episode of gossip girl (B caught reading this with her mouth agape). if show bad then why so many people watch? probably because it was absolutely batshit. the pilot episode is nothing short of unsettling. They gave us not one but TWO north korea jokes in the first minute of the episode, not so subtle pro-life propaganda, line readings from hell, and outfits that will send a chill up your spine. and apparently america ate that shit up!!!

this week in internet history

october 19 will mark the 15th anniversary of one of the most iconic moments in internet history - None Pizza With Left Beef. i’m giving you a heads up in case you somehow forgot (???). a piece of modern day surrealism, none pizza with left beef may seem like a mindless prank upon first glance, but this was not just a pizza order intent on trolling. if you think about it long enough, you start to wonder - what even defines Pizza? if you order something called “pizza” from a pizza establishment (in this case, domino’s) doesn’t that, by definition, make it a Pizza? although none pizza with left beef did not have any sauce or cheese (two key ingredients for what most people consider to be pizza), the order was still accepted by a giant pizza company and ultimately ended up in the same shape as a pizza, was cut into 8 slices (pizza slang), and delivered in a pizza box. now, the beef bits did slide around a little during transition since they did not have anything to grip on to (sauce, for example) so some beef was not as LEFT as it should have been (tag your favorite democrat), but one cannot deny that this was, without question, accepted by the producer (some kid at domino’s) and presented to the consumer (the guy that eventually created young sheldon) as Pizza.

15 years of none pizza with left beef is not just the anniversary of something funny that happened on the internet - it’s a reminder of what the man behind the Great Pizza Orientation Test, steve molaro, may or may not have known all along: advanced technology will become such a slay that human labor will eventually be obsolete, choices and modifications of food, clothing, etc. will be endless, and we as a society will lose sight of what anything originally was or ever intended to be. this is a prime (beef) example. i think that it’s safe to say that the majority of people across the globe can agree, to a certain extent, on what makes pizza a pizza. and yet, there is None Pizza with Left Beef. how will you be celebrating this year??

what i’ve been seeing on my computer

1. reese witherspoon reminded us that women’s stories matter. thank you reese. you look dashing in purple.

2. a chef who is charming everyone on tiktok…what is his secret? how did he know that we all needed him so desperately? does he know that once we no longer have him, we will crumble as a society?

3. him <3

4. gwocky-molo…picko de gall-oh…peeled avocado…these were all on the menu during last week’s episode of the great british baking show. how do we recover from this? a good bake (the other kind).

   

   @carawaycarawaycaraway#greatbritishbakeoff #mexicanfood #tacos #picodegallo #cringe #fyp #britishfood

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mark your pop calendars

next friday, october 21, is not just my sister’s bday (everyone say happy bday lilly!!!) it’s also a huge day for pop girlies like myself. after all of the speculation, the easter eggs, the teasing, and the subliminal messaging, midnights will finally be released. taylor swift’s 10th album has inspired enough fan theories for a lifetime, and has divided two very opinionated sects of swifties (gaylors and hetlors) potentially to the point of no return. me? i’m just hoping that snow on the beach ft. lana del rey is actually about doing coke in public. the rollout of this album has been a bit unconventional for tayla. we have the full track list - but still no single?? mom is being withholding again. anyway, i’ll provide my full thoughts (the crowd goes wild) after i have a few listens. and i’ll see y’all at the lover/folklore/evermore/fearless taylor’s version/red taylor’s version/midnights tour!!!!

equally as important and happening on the same day is the release of carly rae jepsen’s album the loneliest time. “carly rae jepsen…like call me maybe carly rae jepsen???” yes, call me maybe carly rae jepsen!! and put some RESPECT on call me maybe. it’s poetry. “i threw a wish in the well. don’t ask me i’ll never TELL. i looked to YOU as it FELL. and now you’re IN! MY! WAY!” if you’re not convinced, just listen to her 2015 album emotion. and don’t skip warm blood or favourite colour (she’s canadian). to be honest and raw and real, i was skeptical myself when someone first told me to listen to her years ago. but then i GREW UP. ANYWAY. i’ll also provide my thoughts on the loneliest time because this is MY newsletter!! i’ve been running a grassroots campaign (screaming at my friends) for miss jepsen since college, and i have no intention of stopping anytime soon!!

the end, finally

does anyone still get those tiktok ads of people being like “hold on! you’ve been scrolling for a while, take a break”?? i used to get them all the time, usually after being on the app for more than 30 minutes, but i haven’t seen one in months (did they all die?). and no, it’s not because i am spending less time on the app. au contraire!!! the nih reached out to me to participate in a prospective study that will meticulously track the health trajectory of a group of people, like myself, who have already suffered short term consequences of Watching So Much TikTok. for example: my blood type has changed twice this year. at one point i had no blood at all. i did find it a little strange that tiktok was essentially telling people to use their app less. it felt like a glitch and a somewhat ominous sign that perhaps exceeding the limit of how much we can/should consume has repercussions that even tiktok, who has nothing to lose and everything to gain from our endless scrolling, does not wish upon us. idk just guessin.

i do long for a time when social media feeds had an End. not to bring up the past, but remember how your vine feed would just be like…ok that’s it for today. time to go outside and do something else. i wonder if i would be a different, better person if that were still the case. i guess i’ll never know. oh well!

anyway, that’s it. thank you for reading. if you feel so inclined, you can share this with your friends (as a prank) and maybe they will subscribe (as a joke) to my newsletter (rofl). ok love you!!

xoxoxo tess

*insert drew afualo laugh here*

human beings in a mob…what’s a mob to a king…etc. if you don’t know who drew afualo is, i suggest you do a tiktok deep dive of her content. you’ll get the gist pretty quickly. if you’re a man who feels the need to post your horrendous takes on the internet, odds are she’s coming for your ass. drew’s approach to humiliating and discrediting men who degrade women based on their weight, looks, etc. is to laugh in their face and say “look who’s talking, bitch.” she does not hold back with her insults and has only become more relentless in her counter-attacks as her following has grown. a lot of people (men) only hear the comments she makes about a Villain’s appearance, and ignore any nuance or perspective she provides in her videos to justify her insults. they use that as an excuse to double down and say “SEE!!!! WOMEN ARE BAD!!!!!” the responses she gets are typically from butt-hurt incels who have doo-doo in their diapers and therefore only prove her point. but this past week, she engaged with a critic, and it did not go as expected (*dramatic pause*).

when asked by his followers for his thoughts on drew’s content, tiktok creator and musician bela delgado said WELL IF YOU INSIST!! he took umbrage (ever heard of a thesaurus?) with drew “body shaming” bigoted men by calling them bald and short. ok, so? so i guess his point was, isn’t drew just doing the same, fucked up, thing that these men are doing - insulting someone solely based on their appearance and therefore deeming them as less-than? obviously not. there was so much context left out of this critique, and drew didn’t let that slide. instead of her usual tiktok stitch where she shows us about 10 seconds of a Man Being Terrible and then abruptly interrupts them with her iconic laugh, she initially responded on twitter.com. as drew put it, bela “wasn’t antagonistic so I won’t be either.” kween! she also addressed bela’s grievances on tiktok since her tweets didn’t get through to some poo poo pee pee diaper dummies. in a since deleted video, bela claims to not understand why drew would bring up race (RACE!??!) when discussing the nature of her content. bela. babe. but he eventually realized this was dumb and acknowledged that his reaction to her content was an emotional response that lacked the historical context and nuance necessary to fully understand the difference between men making fun a woman’s appearance vs. women making fun of a man’s. how many more times do you think i’ll say nuance today? hehe.

^^this song admittedly slaps

drag, but make it godly

ok i’ve been WAITING for this. a couple months ago, girl defined, two christian sisters (christers) made a video reacting to an event in dallas, texas called “drag your kids to pride.” oh my goodness oh my word!!! the girls defined took umbrage (thesaurus) with THAT! before i jump in, i want to define girl defined for anyone who might be unfamiliar with the definition of girl defined. the christers have been around for a while making all sorts of content for their fellow sisters in christ who are desperate to know the answers to questions like “should a christian girl date a guy who struggles with porn????” cody ko and noel miller reacted to a girl defined video a few years ago that explores the classic predicament of being Very Christian and Very Horny. in his image, girl defined has evolved (they prob don’t like that word) beyond youtube and blogs and now includes SEVERAL books and an 8 week mentorship course that you can purchase. that’s right; you wanna get into heaven? pony up, bitch. and now, their “drag your kids to pride” video has caught the attention of none other than trixie mattel, biological woman and business owner. i mean it when i say: thank GOD!!

a (basically) spoiler free review of don’t worry darling

for those of you who don’t know (and if you don’t know this then i’m not sure we’ve ever had a conversation) i am a big harry styles fan. ok? i am who i am and i am not ashamed. i have a butt naked 24x36 inch framed poster of him on my wall. i’ve seen him in concert four times as a solo artist and twice with one direction. i once had a dream that we were dating and he broke up with me because i opened his mail (in his defense, this is a federal crime) and i think about it all the time as if it actually happened. i’m still in the bargaining stage of that grieving process. i love him and i don’t care that he is bald. this is all to say that of course i had my biases when i walked into that theater. of course i was going to root for my Favorite Boy in All the Land. and yes, he says “opportunity” funny in that one scene BUT THERE IS AN EXPLANATION FOR THAT!!! sorry for yelling.

here are some of my (somewhat) spoiler free takeaways from the movie:

1. harry styles very handsome (OBJECTION: STATING THE OBVIOUS!!!!!)

2. nick kroll scary why am i scared of nick kroll now

3. nick x harry venice kiss was NOT as random as we once BELIEVED!!

4. ok this is kind of a spoiler but not really: there’s a part of the movie where harry is Ugly and i think that the movie would have been better if this part was played out more but i think harry had an Ugly Clause in his contract that limited the amount of time they could make him be Ugly On Screen (this is a real thing i’m a lawyer)

5. what did the toy plane mean?? what did any of the planes mean????

6. harry doing watermelon sugar type activities with miss flo? help

overall i thought Movie was Good (can you tell that i was top of my class at tisch). i don’t understand why everyone made fun of harry for calling it a “movie that feels like a movie” because that’s exactly what it is. he basically spoiled the entire film by telling us that but Y’ALL DON’T LISTEN!!!!!!! also our waiter at alamo drafthouse brought me free sour patch kids in the middle of the movie for absolutely no reason? kewl!

what i’ve been seeing on my computer

here’s some other stuff i’ve seen a lot of this week:

1. a new favorite trend: people posting haunting images/videos, usually of their pets, to the song "Year Zero" by the metal band Ghost

2. someone remixed peach prc (australian superstar go listen to her music now!!!) being very….well…..australian.

3. that clip from breaking bad where walter white (is that his name) is like we’re gonna drive this meth/dead body/something else incriminating (idk i haven’t seen the show) to your house and the other guy goes “MY house??!” but it’s about something embarrassing that the person making the vid does not want people to see in their home lol (i can’t relate)

4. this queen

5. the “i’m a street photographer, can i take some photos of you?” trend that is a bit confusing but perhaps it is ok to be confused every now and then

PHEW that was a long one, huh gang?????

thanks for reading and don’t forget, you can always unsubscribe if this is absolute hell for you!! i figured out how to properly link tiktoks so that they actually open in the app (millennial face palm epic fail moment!!!!) so i hope that makes your user experience more streamlined and efficient (yes i am a software engineer). please exercise your rights and participate in the democratic practice of VOTING in the poll below:

this has been fun. we’re all having fun, constantly!

ok bye!!!! xoxox tess

hello and thank you for subscribing (lol) to my newsletter (lmao) that will mostly serve as a pop culture/tiktok/internet round-up. i have no idea if i will do this more than once, but i’m bored right now and have some thoughts to share about literally the dumbest shit you could imagine. i’d like to think of this as a sort of cleansing practice where i scoop out the rotten, foul, useless parts of my “brain” and dump them into the garbage (your inboxes). if i’m going to spend 10,000 hours on tiktok every day of my life i might as well do it for a reason. plus, we’ve transitioned from a 24-hour news cycle to about a 10-minute news cycle (btw i haven’t read a real news article in about 7 years) so i might as well document it here for anyone to refer back to (okay i’m a historian…). so if that all sounds good to you, keep reading. if it doesn’t, please don’t tell me. i cannot receive negative feedback for medical reasons!

DRAMA (Does Reality Actually Matter Anymore?)

we’re currently winding down from what sources are calling “the biggest scandal a member of Maroon 5 has ever been a part of.” TLDR: a Hot Woman decided to air out her business on tiktok by talking about her affair with adam levine (not to be confused with adam devine) and revealed a slideshow of humiliating DMs from the singer. in one message, he asks if she’s cool with him naming his pregnant wife’s baby after her. i think it’s a fair question, and at least he asked!

but just as we were catching our breath from this life altering news, ANOTHER average looking, somewhat notable man cheated on his wife! one of the Try Guys, ned fulmer (married), admitted to having an affair with one of the show’s employees (mama mia!!). frankly, this story means absolutely nothing to me. i never watched the try guys, and i never will! i’m simply mentioning it out of respect for insufferable buzzfeed millennials. it’s the end of an era for them.

although i cannot say that i give a single fuck about one person who i have never met cheating on another person i have never met, it does make me stop and think (something i’m very good at). a very wise woman once said, “have you ever been to krispy kreme?…was it crispy?” i obviously think about that video a lot whenever men Do Something. to me it’s the perfect analogy, and i have a pulitzer prize so i know what i’m talking about. you can hear it in her voice when she asks if the krispy kreme doughnut was crispy - the question is rhetorical. she’s not surprised to hear that it was not crispy. of course it wasn’t. it never has been.

i want a divorce from discourse

okay quick poll who here is up to speed on gaylor? gaylor. like taylor swift…gay…gaylor…is she gay, is she not, etc. no? some people are sure of it, and some people are very angry at those people, not because they are homophobic, or even disagree that she is gay - but because they don’t think that we (i’m using the royal we here. like queen e-we-zabeth) should be discussing someone’s private life to the degree that we have been. idk…drop your opinion in the chat.

tay has always been known for hiding easter eggs in her lyrics, her music videos, and now her tiktok videos, and the past few years of this have convinced many fans that she is, in fact, gaylor. if you feel like going down a rabbit hole to understand more, please direct your attention toward the gaylor iceberg.

the discourse, and the plot, has thickened around gaylor as ms. swift gears up for the release of her tenth album, midnights. the promotion of this album has sent the fandom (and the gaylors in particular) into a conspira-tizzy. did taylor approve of that rolling stone article? what does the lavender midnights vinyl mean?? who is niceboy ed??!!!? idk!!!!

#trending!!!!!

here’s what i’ve been seeing a lot of on my tiktok for you page this week:

1. people telling stories to the beat (but also sometimes very far from the beat) of super freaky girl by nicki minaj, which samples super freak by rick james. i could only handle watching about three of these and then i got very tired.

2. the Miami. Boys. Choir. the MBC recently posted a video of a 2008 performance of the banger “Yerushalayim” and it has sparked a cultural revolution (for the next 3-5 days and then we’ll all forget about it). who is your MBC bias???

3. my favorite trend in recent history: people creating tiktok slideshows to “the promise” by when in rome. these mostly feature pictures of a disheveled kermit having an existential crisis. celebrities really are just like us <3

and that’s it!!!!

you made it to the end! thank you for humoring me by actually reading this. fyi, i don’t get notifications if someone unsubscribes, so if this was a painful experience for you, please feel free to smash the unsubscribe button and forget that this ever happened!!!

i’m seeing don’t worry darling (film, 2022) tonight, so if i actually continue doing this then stay tuned for my honest (very biased bc of harry) review (i’m a reporter) of the movie. if you didn’t already know, don’t worry darling is a movie that feels like a movie, and there is a lot of drama surrounding it.

i don’t really know how to end this newsletter. one time i had a professor tell me that my voice “wasn’t coming through” in my essays and i was like what does she want me to do? end each sentence with “so……..yeah”??

so…yeah.

ok love u!! xoxox tess