just worming around
i thought that would be like a fun thing to do!
hello and welcome back to the news! my team and i have been working around the clock to bring you the most late-breaking, face-shattering, brain-annihilating information we can get our hands on. this comes at a cost, of course. i’ve slept but 6 hours in the past week, my urine is a gorgeous shade of burgundy, and i haven’t spoken to my children in days. in fact, i’ve all but forgotten what they look like. i know one of them is named clifford, after clifford the big red dog (he named himself because i am so absent), but the others i’m not so sure. i hope to see them again soon. i tell you this not for pity, but as a reminder that you, m̵͖̳̻̣̤͚̾y̔ͦ͏͎̻̰ ̣̞͍͖̺ͬ͗ͫͧ̕ś̩̹̦̥͉̰̠̗̑̇͠u̥̗̙̰̲ͫ͞ḅ̛̹ͭ͛̋ș̛͈̫͉ͧ̿c̛̹͓̐ͥ̔r͔͔̳̻̮͌̈́͌̃͝i̡̝̭ͩ̊b̢͇̝̗̺̙̦̀̇ͧe̬͎̰͕̖͉̩̔̀r͈̦ͯ̽͞ͅș̸̳̰̜͉̖̋̾́̈, are my number one priority. you gave me this opportunity to inform you of everything that i know to be true and happening on the internet, and i am grateful beyond words. but that is what you want. words! so please, take them. and don’t worry about me or climton.
i’m a worm…duh.
halloween: ghouls. goblins. girlfriends explaining cultural references to their boyfriends who dressed up as, of all things, “beer”. heidi klum hosted her annual halloween party and asked us THE question: would you still love me (a model) if i were a worm? every single picture and video i’ve seen of worm heidi has filled me with unimaginable joy. she is very gorgeous to me. lizzo paid homage to woo wop the emo kid. any woo wop heads in the chat? the members of muna (band; gay; opening for taylor swift on select nights of the eras tour) cosplayed as pink slip (lindsay lohan’s band in freaky friday) at their show last week and performed ‘take me away’, a song that has been stuck in my head for *checks google* ALMOST TWENTY YEARS?!? that can’t be right. i saw that movie in theaters and i’m only 17. this is why you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet!
you get what you pay for
as someone who is not verified (but should be) on twitter, i cannot say that i know what it feels like to have the validity of my online identity threatened by grimes’ ex boyfriend, but my heart goes out to anyone that does. after he “bought” twitter (this sounds very fake to me), rumors circulated that elon musk was going to charge verified users $20 a month to keep their blue check. according to elon, that’s not true…quick q: are we still supposed to believe something straight from the horse’s mouth if the horse is actually just two 12 year old shit-posters in a trench coat? idk. this man has been saying a whole bunch of nonsense ever since he “freed” the bird. the only positive thing i can see coming out of this major plot point in the downfall of society is that we might get vine back.
it’s me, hi, i’m the problem (bartise)
last week, i talked about my ‘love is blind’ nemesis That Man Cole. right now i’m having a tough time deciding who (whom?) i hate more: That Man Cole or Busted Bartise. this will include some light spoilers so if you’re not fully caught up on season 3 then go watch and come back. please come back.
okay so busted bartise. it’s pretty simple: bartise is busted because he sucks so bad. last week i went to the annual limp dick loser awards and bartise was nominated in every category. the last time bartise went to the doctor, he was diagnosed with chronic mustiness. the only reason that bartise chose nancy over raven in the pods is because he was butthurt that raven was doing pilates while he was trying to talk about “deep stuff”. he called the whole thing off over some jumping jacks. so he proposed to nancy, and after they met in person he wasted no time telling her that he was not attracted to her. nancy did not solicit this information btw. bartise just kept saying how hot raven is and how hot HE is so it would make so much more sense for them to be together. this man is a certified nincompoop with the most wretched “Where’s My Hug?” energy. and then he actually says that to nancy at their wedding! “no hug? no kiss??” he asks as she approaches him at the altar. i hope the vitamins nancy bought him gave him diarrhea. there have been countless moments watching this show where i wonder aloud, “have these men ever spoken to a woman?” bartise sharing his thoughts on abortion was one of those moments. he seems to think that unexpected pregnancies are the same as tennis serves: “you get one chance to fuck up, and then that’s it.” weirdo behavior!!!
and That Man Cole. the smuggery. the only thing eating more shit than cole’s dumb little grin are the flies crawling around his toilet. i didn’t think that he could get any worse but it appears that calling colleen hot and telling zanab (HIS FIANCE) that she’s not his type was just the beginning. days before their wedding, cole shoots zanab in the face with a nerf gun while she attempts to salvage the meal that he fucked up. i guess love is blind if you literally take your fiance’s eye out with a toy gun. THEN he asks her if she is bipolar in the heat of an argument. i hate him with all my heart! everything about him is so dark sided. he tells zanab, without an ounce of irony, that all he wants is for her to be “sweet” and “unassuming”. all i want is for him to be tried at the hague! at what point do the producers intervene? this man’s behavior is more violent than a juicehead fist fight on the jersey shore, so why has nobody grabbed cole by the ear and thrown him out onto the street and saved zanab from a lifetime (3 months tops) of agony and unseasoned chicken?? HELP!!!!
mole-ing things over
the only thing that really caught my eye on tiktok this week was the overnight sensation that was @mikaelarellano’s bejeweled dance. obviously my fyp has been flooded with midnights content, but something about this choreo really resonated with swifties and non-swifties alike. it may have had more of an impact than the actual bejeweled music video (and dita von teese was in that). people are going to lose their minds when she does this dance on tour. the style strut found dead in a ditch.
otherwise it’s been a long week of trying to get caught up on bachelor in paradise and rebandaging the craters my dermatologist left behind when she scooped 3 moles out of my body. she may have taken chunks of my skin, but i still have my sparkle!! anyway, i hope everyone has a lovely weekend. just checked the weather - i didn’t realize i had moved to los angeles! oh silly me, i was unaware that washington d.c. was actually located on the equator!! is this all because i don’t compost? did i buy too many new clothes last year? did i take too long of a shower that one time? i mean, what’s a girl gonna do?? a diamond’s gotta shine!!!!! ok bye.
xoxo tess