karma is my problematic boyfriend
happy new year!!!
hey…….how y’all doin…..
i’m kind of feeling like simba when he returned to pride rock right now. i know i’ve been gone for a while, but i had to go on a hero’s journey (be very depressed for four months) and befriend a creature who is loyal but prone to flatulence that can make your vision blur (my cat charli) in order to finally let go of my fears and return back to my roots. so today, i humbly stand before you for the first time in 2023 to bring you…….the news.
it’s not that i didn’t try!! there were several tv shows and moments in culture that inspired me to get back on here and share my thoughts. i have proof:
i know, i know; how could i have kept these half baked thoughts about a show that everyone watched three years ago to myself? but nothing felt good enough to write about. nothing felt light enough to distract from the everyday horrors of the world while simultaneously substantial enough to be interesting and worth the read. i watched every netflix reality tv show, including the multiverse fuckfest “perfect match”, which featured several jumpscares including:
BARTISE >:[
a wildly premature “i love you” from dom to francesca
a love triangle between chloe, coke-eyes shayne, and “ferking” mitchell
somehow this did not inspire me to write the next great american newsletter. eventually, too many outrageous shows and celebrity faux pas’ had come and gone through the spotlight of culture that it seemed impossible to decide where to pick back up.
and then, on monday, may 29 around 10:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, the novel coronavirus began to make her rounds through my body. i was confined to my tower, doomed to eat soup and watch hours of tv by myself for the next week. and so i thought (get ready for the perfect segue to the next section) “why not?”
how’s hilary duff doing?
i’m sure you’re all wondering, so here are some updates on america’s sweetheart:
hilary’s husband, matthew koma (hot, in a band), turned 36 this week! she wished him a happy birthday on instagram.
hilary went to a workout class and wore a black tank top with matching leggings. according to the daily mail, she appeared to be makeup free.
hilary recently admitted to sometimes following gwyneth paltrow’s breakfast diet (coffee) even though she wakes up very hungry! hmm!!
karma ft. azealia banks
years from now, when my brain has rotted down to its stem and i am no longer able to take a shit by myself, my night nurse will hear a haunting whisper from down the hall. she’ll open the door to my room to find what she usually does; a woman in her early 40’s sleeping with a fleece blanket adorned with jungkook’s face and a large poster of a naked harry styles mounted above the bed. once she confirms that the woman is just snoring, the nurse lets out a sigh of relief and begins to shut the door, until she realizes: the woman’s eyes are wide open. the nurse hears what she thought she had imagined before, a soft but stern voice that asks a chilling question: when did ice spice and taylor swift film the karma video?
last month, rumors that matty healy (the 1975) and taylor swift were dating began after matty attended a few shows on the eras tour and the two were photographed together in what seemed to be non-platonic situations. here’s a summary of what went down:
05/05/23
NASHVILLE (CNN) — 1975 FRONT MAN SPOTTED AT ERAS TOUR “Oi I flew seven-een fookin ‘ours to be ‘eyah”
05/06/23
BuzzFeed News: Matty Healy Opens Eras Tour Onstage with Phoebe Bridgers ‘no raw meat was eaten’ sources say
05/11/23
NEW YORK CITY (AP) — Taylor Swift and the Raw Beef Man Spotted Touching Beefs
06/05/23
TMZ EXCLUSIVE (this one’s real): Taylor Swift and Matty Healy Break Up
all in all the alleged fling lasted barely a month. tayla just got out of a 6 year relationship with joe “who?” alwyn, so if anything this was clearly a getaway car-esque rebound. sometime during all this, taylor announced a collaboration on her song ‘karma’ with it-girl rapper ice spice. this all seemed to be a PR cleanup for miss swift (and matty question mark??) since the collab came on the heels of matty’s offensive comments about ice spice on adam friedland’s podcast earlier this year. then, when asked to reflect on his remarks, he was like, and i quote, “it doesn’t actually matter.” this would be about the time for taylor’s publicist, tree paine (who could easily cover up a murder), to step in, but azealia banks beat her to it. the breakup announcement came shortly after this catastrophic read.
what i am left wondering, and will probably never know for sure, is the order of events here. because yes, the collab was announced during the taylor-and-matty-of-it-all, but surely it was set in motion months prior. and shooting a music video, even when it is a weird one, takes a lot of time (i think! idk i’m just some guy!!). i just want to know who was covering for who!! did taylor ask ice spice to be on the remix before matty came into the picture? or was it for his benefit?? could it have been before the podcast even came out? my guts saying, “babe……..no.” we know that tayla is cunning and opportunistic. but still! was it all a coincidence? was the timing suspicious or just right? was it all by design?
that’s all!
thanks for reading <3 love u all 2 the moon and to saturn!! happy pride month!!!
xoxoxo tess and charli
